We’re back! And boy is it great to see all you passionate readers again. In case you were wondering, 66.6666666666667% of the Shockey Brigade was doing business with our good friends on the island of St. Thomas. We went down there to canvass the streets of beautiful Charlotte Amalie and ask some of our semi-international readers what they thought of our weblog. The most frequent questions were, “Hey mon, why don’t you talk more about Tim Duncan?” and “Hey mon, who is Jeremy Shockey?”

Anyway, we had a fantastic time and would like to thank everybody who was so nice to us. And don’t worry, we’ll be making more of those wildly popular “I heart Jeremy Shockey… Brigade” bumper stickers and patches.

So now to cover every major story we missed in chronological order.

Thursday, May 8th - “New England stole offensive signals”
Wow. What a bunch of cheaters! But really, do we care that much? Most of us have lived in an era when many of our favorite baseball players were cheating in one way or another. I’m not condoning breaking the rules, but I think it would be a bigger story if, say, super-American Tom Brady were to impregnate a beautiful famous actress and then leave her before the birth of his child for a much more beautiful and famous supermodel. I could watch months of Sportscenter coverage of that.

But really, ESPN telling me that the Patriots may have watched the Dolphins practice in 2002… meh. And I’m quite sick of Matt Walsh.

Friday, May 9th - “New York Knicks preparing $30M offer for D’Antoni”
Huh? I mean, I was a closet Suns fan - they were fun to watch. But I think most Knicks fans yearn for the mid-1990s defensive mentality that got them in the playoffs every year. And anyway, D’Antoni is going to come to a team that’s at least two full seasons away from being able to sign a significant free agent. What’s the point?

Saturday, May 10th - “D’Antoni accepting New York offer”
HUH!?!?! Ugh. I’ll leave much of the ranting about this to Jose. But really, Marc Jackson was an excellent choice. Shit, I would’ve been an excellent choice. A brief excerpt from my imaginary introductory press conference:

“Yeah, I guess I know some stuff about basketball. What I definitely know is that this team isn’t going to be very good for at least a few years. Maybe by some miracle we’ll get the eight seed or something, but does that really excite you? Yes, I remember the eight-seed 1999 Knicks. We are not the 1999 Knicks. We are pretty bad. But in 2 years Donnie Walsh over here will get Lebron and I’ll leave. Did I mention I played high school basketball?”

Sunday, May 11th - “OJ Mayo denies he took gifts at USC”
Yuck. Is it just me or does ESPN try to hype some investigative story every few months just to get an endlessly-recurring Sportscenter headline and remind us that they’re journalists? Have you ever watched E:60? Black-and-white footage of people discussing stories around a table: JOURNALISM! But really, prospects getting money/gifts/women/whatever for some reason? Shocking! More Spygate, please.

Monday, May 12th - “Dalai Lama would consider attending Olympics”
他妈的，你臭法语
If you can’t see them on your work computer, they’re Chinese characters that might mean “Fuck you, you smelly French!” How stupid would all those people who disrupted the Olympic torch feel if the Dalai Lama ended up sitting next to Wen Jiabao at a fencing match? And think of all the money spent on those Free Tibet flags that were made in… China. Yeahhhh. Semi-capitalist socialist republic 2, hippy protesters 0.

Tuesday, May 13th - “Walsh, Goodell to meet”
Hahaha, we got you Belichick!!! Oh wait, no we didn’t. And who’s “we” anyway? Well, “we” is the sports journalism community, who would’ve been very excited to slobber over a story they had no role in uncovering. Then again, the only media outlet that actually tried to break a story about this, the hometown Boston Herald, FUCKED UP BIG TIME! Hahaha.*

* Yes, I would care a lot more about all of this if the Patriots season didn’t end 18-1, or 16-0*, or however you want to look at it.

Okay, so that’s really all we missed this week. Not a lot going on and-

Wait!!! Here’s uber-Eagles fan Arlen Specter trying to keep this story going! Congress has NOTHING more important to do than spend all day asking some douchebag camera guy whether he videotaped pre-game warmups? Okay, Clemens was kind of fun to watch. Steroid guys squirming in front of the cameras was fun to watch. Do I give a shit about Matt Walsh? No. Enough.

Though I am kind of interested whether Belichick will wear his hoodie to a congressional committee. Whatcha think?