…Because I’m bored at work.

It’s 1:43 PM Eastern time: I’ve seen our fearless (and departed) warrior lose a fumble and tip a ball in the air that was intercepted. Both turnovers will probably lead to points. The obvious conclusion here is that he never should’ve left the Giants. Makes me sad.

1:47 PM Eastern time: I’m happy to report that the Giants are up 7-0 on the Rams. Eli threw a sexy pass to Plaxico. Makes me happy.

1:50 PM Eastern time: My girlfriend reports via text message that Chris Cooley of the Redskins may be hurt. I always felt like he was overrated and just not as cool as Shockey. Thoughts?

1:52 PM Eastern time: Speaking of the Redskins, they’ve forced two turnovers and scored 6 points. I saw at least one 3rd and 8 where they completed a pass for 6 yards. They also just fumbled on their own 25. I’m just sayin‘…

1:53 PM Eastern time: Field goal, Giants. 10-0. Fine by me.

1:57 PM Eastern time: I had to put the old Shockey picture up a) because I can’t find a picture of him in a Saints uniform, and b) because he’ll always be a Giant to me. Also of note, on ESPN’s player profile page it says Shockey is pronounced “SHOCK-ee“. I think that’s cool.

2:05 PM Eastern time: My colleague Jose has described our lack of posts as a result of our month-long mourning period for the Giants’ loss of one Jeremy Shockey. That’s kind of the truth. I’ve been cleared by Reporters Without Borders and the American Council on the First Amendment to inform you that we were detained and our website locked while trying to bring the Shockey Brigade to you from China. In the end it turned out to be a big misunderstanding. But needless to say, we saw nothing of the Olympics or any other sport for a month. We regret leaving our loyal readers in the dark and in the future will strive to not get caught by the Chinese. By the way, if you think Shockey is hugely popular over here, you should see the skyscraper-sized advertisements of him in Beijing. It’s spectacular. I’d show you photos but they all got confiscated. Really!

2:20 PM Eastern time: Giants are driving. Ball on the 17 with :16 left in the half. Eli to Plax in the corner? That would be my first guess. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say Toomer over the middle. Let’s watch…

2:21 PM Eastern time: Orrrr a pass over the middle to Brandon Jacobs for 2 yards. Field Goal time. Giants up 13-6. Not bad, could be better. Can’t watch the game though so I don’t really know how it looks. Elsewhere around the league…
- Aaron Rodgers is leading QB’s with 209 yard in the first half.
- Adrian Peterson has 118 first half rushing yards, and the Vikings are leading the Colts 9-0. This is 100% speculation, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Peyton ends the season on the DL. Just a hunch.
- The Redskins lead the Saints 9-7. I’m less impressed by Jim Zorn’s offense than I am by the Horny for Zorny t-shirts described here. “Apparently we don’t know what a touchdown is”, says one currently dejected Skins fan via text message.
- Buffalo is up 10-3 at Jacksonville. I’d actually like to watch this game and see what the Bills are all about.

2:33 PM Eastern time: One of the Gramatica’s just hit a FG to end the half for the Saints. So Saints 10, Redskins 9. I’m just sayin‘…

2:43 PM Eastern time: I just realized that since Sarah Palin’s from Alaska, she probably doesn’t have a favorite football team, right? Isn’t that, like, equally as important to Red Staters as having foreign policy experience? Do you think conservatives are aware of this???

2:47 PM Eastern time: Oh wait, she’s a Seahawk fan. Er, she’s a lifelong Steelers fan?! Lady, we may disagree on some of the issues, but for the sake of the nation pick a freakin‘ team!

2:55 PM Eastern time: Touchdown Giants! This time over the middle to Toomer. I’m going to say my earlier prediction counts. Also, the Saints just scored. I’m just sayin‘…

2:57 PM Eastern time: Since I can’t watch the Giants game right now I’m using the NFL.com Game Center. It’s not bad, but kinda frustrating from time to time. Like when I see this:

“(9:29) (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass deep left to 17-P.Burress to STL 10 for 16 yards (21-O.Atogwe, 24-R.Bartell). FUMBLES (21-O.Atogwe), touched at STL 10, RECOVERED by STL-21-O.Atogwe at STL 3. 21-O.Atogwe to STL 10 for 7 yards (12-S.Smith). PENALTY on STL-26-T.Hill, Illegal Block Above the Waist, 5 yards, enforced at STL 10. Play Challenged by NYG and REVERSED. (Shotgun) 10-E.Manning pass deep left to 17-P.Burress to STL 10 for 16 yards (34-F.Brown).”

Can someone tell me what the hell happened on that play?!?!?

3:00 PM Eastern time: Is it weird to admit that I really like the sound of Bill Kurtis’ voice on those AT&T Laptop Connect commercials?

3:03 PM Eastern time: 3rd and 28 for the Rams. The old Giants would give up at least 27 yards on this play. And I hope I’m not jinxing the new Giants here by saying that.

3:04 PM Eastern time: Nope, they only gave up 20 yards. Man, I love the new Giants.

3:13 PM Eastern time: The Bears are up at Carolina. Kyle Orton having another decent game. The Raiders are up 13-0 but JaMarcus Russell is 5/16. Gross. Darren McFadden is now leading all rushers today, though.

3:26 PM Eastern time: Bulger to Holt for a 45-yard TD moments after my coworker wondered where Bulger has been all day. 20-13 Giants.

3:45 PM Eastern time: Giants up 27-13. Nice. Eli 20/29 for 260 and 3 TDs. Super nice. Also, Detroit down by just 6 to Green Bay with the ball. And Justin Tuck with an INT TD for 41 yards!!! Oh man… Road Warriors.

3:53 PM Eastern time: Detroit takes the lead. Wow. And on that note I’m out of here to go home and gaze longingly at my Eli poster. Enjoy the later games.

As most of you already must know… today is a sad day for Giants fans, especially us here at the Shockey Brigade. It appears our beloved namesake has been traded to The New Orleans Saints. Boo. How else could I memorialize him other than an 80 line epic poem?? Enjoy (as much as is possible during these sad times)…

A man with locks so gold and true

Came to us to don the blue

Sent to us from the heavens above

Sent to us knowing nothing of love

This mysterious man with eagles abound

First took the field when soon he found

His muscles were certainly bigger than most

Yet his heart was the biggest of all to boast

He ran the field akin to gazelles

He gave opponents a glimpse of Hell

When he lowered his shoulder, a sonic boom

He nearly sent men to their tomb

He won the hearts of all who watched

He won the ladies with his glorious crotch

Delivered to us as if by a stork

This man won over the town called New York

His devilish grin made it hard to look away

His extraordinary courage made every play

A one-man show for all to behold

And soon, his jerseys would all be sold

Men, women, children alike

Would flock from miles to see the site

All adorned in the number eighty

Many wishing to be called his lady

From battle to battle he did not disappoint

And those who beheld him were quite ready to anoint

“The greatest thing since sliced bread”, they proclaimed

And so, his glory would soon reach his fame

For many years he’d reign supreme

Living that of which most only dream

He’d run, he’d hit, he’d score, he’d win

Leading his squad with his valor within

The best of the best, he was a man amongst boys

Dare get in his way, and surely be destroyed

He’d disarm challengers with not more than a flick

But even to catch him one must have been quick

And to the victor undoubtedly went the spoils

Well deserved they were as hard as he toiled

After his triumphs he’d claim maidens quite fair

He conquered his wenches pair after pair

He collected his riches for all of his brilliance,

His strength, his daring, and his resilience

‘Twas a fairytale story of a man so bold

So splendid and grand, for years ‘twould be told.

Yet this man with locks so gold and true

This man, destined to don the blue

His fate would not always be so kind

For, adoration is often blind

His locks remained and his grin wore steady

Yet for what was to come next, he was surely not ready

This statue of a man, so strapping, so sturdy

Would soon find himself on the sidelines hurting

One frigid night in the town called New York

A battle raged, seemed more like a war

One side hit, while the other hit back

The men in blue were on the attack

At that moment right then something went askew

For the man with locks so gold and true

He heard a snap so profound

Then hurled and tumbled towards the ground

His legions watched in awe and fright

This was not like any other night

Their gallant hero had fallen then

Never to be the same again

In days, and weeks, and months to come

He was not to be heard from

Yet for some odd reason his troops stood tall

They continued to win despite it all

Those who once loved him quickly forgot

As other men sufficiently filled his spot

And though they lacked his charm and skill

The men in blue would win still

And so for this proud, great soldier

He was left to watch and grow a year older

As his comrades would prevail without him

His future began to look quite grim

Soon banished from the town of York quite new

This man with locks so gold and true

Could take with him pride for how he played

Leaving only behind his Shockey Brigade

Jeremy Shockey is a much better tight end than Kevin Boss.

I wish I could stop there. That would be it for this post. I could spend the rest of my evening finishing my beer and taking notes for my forthcoming novel, “10 Ways to Make Jim Rome’s Head Explode Using Only a Soccer Ball” (long title, I know. But effective).

As a little synopsis of what you’re about to read, I’ll start with a quote:

“I plan on Jeremy being back. I want him to come back,” said Boss. “I still feel like I’ve got a lot to learn from him. He’s been a great teacher for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be the player he is. He’s a freak, really.”

And now, a little background:

Kevin Boss was born in 1984 in Oregon. He attended Western Oregon University (of the might GNAC!). He was the 153rd pick in the 2007 NFL Draft. In last year’s playoffs, he made two catches against the Bucs, and one (1) catch in each game against the Cowboys, Packers and Patriots. In the Super Bowl, he made a very important 45-yard reception, and boy was I happy. Go Kevin!*

* Thank you to Wikipedia for, well, ALL of the above information.

Jeremy Shockey is a top-five tight end. He is 27 years old. He’s a Phish fan (enthusiasm contained for the purpose of anonymity). He has been to four Pro Bowls during his six-year career.

Where am I going with this? Well, 66.6666666666667% of us here at the Shockey Brigade are big fans of Jeremy Shockey. The tattoos, the attitude, the four a.m. half-drunk pushups (the things that matter, right?)… It’s all pretty awesome for Giants fans.

So what’s all this talk of the Giants being better without him? Is it from Boss’ four playoff games last year? His five catches in four games? Six months ago we all had man crushes on Shockey. WHAT HAS CHANGED?!?!

But seriously… what has changed, people? Was it really Boss’ postseason? I mean, those five catches were awesome. I liked them all. I also liked Madison Hedgecock’s Super Bowl reception. And Steve Smith’s 14 postseason catches? Man, those were sweet. In fact, fuck Plaxico! Who needs the guy? It was pretty obvious the offense was far more efficient with Eli focusing on David Tyree, Smith and Boss. The rest of them are all overpaid me-first guys, anyway. (Note, a lot of inspiration for this paragraph can be found here. Stupid Newsday).

The Kevin Boss lovefest has carried over from the Super Bowl and continues in New York newspapers and on Giants message boards. There really are a lot of people who honestly believe Boss is either as good as Shockey or better for the Giants. These are probably the same idiots who were calling for Coughlin to be fired (really, who would say that?) and who were hoping for an Eli injury just so they could sell some lame custom-made Jared Lorenzen t-shirts (pssst… email me for a $5 special on “BFQ” t-shirts).

But all joking aside, what is the debate here?? Jeremy Shockey is a Pro Bowl-caliber tight end. Elite. He’s been among the best in the NFL during his whole career. The statistics show this (look them up if you want).

And here’s how he’s ranked among his Giants teammates in receptions and yards:

Year: Receptions (total) / Yards (total)
2002: 2nd (74) / 2nd (894)
2003: 4th (48) / 3rd (535)
2004: 1st (61) / 2nd (666)
2005: 2nd (65) / 2nd (891)
2006: 1st (66) / 2nd (623)
2007: 3rd (57) / 3rd (619)

Easily replaceable, right? Really, until Boss came around I was really longing for the day Visanthe Shiancoe could finally rise up and be first on the depth chart. I was soooo bummed when he went to Minnesota and finished with 27 catches last year.

Look people, Boss is a bug guy who is a good target for Eli. He made some nice catches late in the season. Eli also got better late in the season. Coincidence?

And Shockey might not be totally happy with his role in New York. But he’s a professional athlete and the last thing I worry about is his motivation. That’s not a reason to trade him. Okay, he might throw mini fits when Eli misses him or he doesn’t get the play call he wants. But watch Plaxico for 60 minutes and tell me he doesn’t do the same things.

With Shockey, you put up with the crap on the sidelines and in the headlines in return for everything he does out on the field. But hey, I’ve ranted for long enough. Let’s see what else Kevin had to say:

“He’ll be back,” Boss said. “I’ve got a lot more to learn from him. He’s been a great mentor. Obviously he’s a better player than me.”